ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Introduction

#boybye Sis, can we have a moment of honesty? I mean a fully transparent opportunity to address the elephant in the room - you know, the one touchy subject that you don't like to discuss...hint hint: YOUR MAN. It's so important to note before you continue to read this, that everything outlined in the characters to come, is coming from a genuine place and it's only to help you. This is a safe zone. I don't want your man, I don't want to see you lonely, and I am not hating on you. Now that that's out of the way, let's begin.

Real Life Scenario

I was counseling a young lady via direct messages on instagram #itgoesdowninthedm , and she was concerned that her girlfriends were out to sabotage her relationship. It started out as a very surface level question, which yielded a surface level answer:

"Hey Kelsie, I need some relationship advice from you. I admire how you and your husband's relationship was so God-centered, and how you didn't let people get in between y'all. I've been with my boyfriend for a few months, and my girls are riding me hard telling me I need to let him go because he's not the one. He treats me good, and he loves my son, and he comes to church with me sometimes. They don't see what I see when I look at him, so I don't know if I should even take the advice they give. Everything is always so negative, and I can barely be around them now that I'm with him. My boyfriend said they just jealous, and that I shouldn't be friends with them anymore, but we grew up in church together, and our family's are close. They've seen us get into some heated arguments before and they didn't like how he talked to me but it was only one time. They're all single and super judgmental sooo I can't even get a word out sometimes. What should I do? I've prayed about it, but it just seems like I'm falling more and more for him more than anything else." - one of my instagram follower

I'm sure most of you reading this, have gathered your own ideas as to what I should have responded and said. Truth is, I have a very good discernment and when Holy Spirit tells me there's more to this story, there's definitely more. I am careful as to how I choose to respond to situations like this understanding that anything I say, people can use to justify why they made a certain decision - even if it's contrary to the word. So with that, this was my response:

"Heyyyy! Thanks so much for reaching out girl. I apologize for the late response, it was a pretty busy Easter weekend for us. As to your situation, I don't mean to be frank, but my spirit is telling me there is way more to this story concerning your boyfriend than you are letting on. I understand that you may not want to disclose of every detail, but I am unable to help you unless there's full transparency. I'm held accountable for what I respond to you, and I'd hate to tell you to "stay" in a relationship because of the information you've given, and you end up being in an abusive relationship. Please know that this isn't a denial, this is more of a conviction on my behalf to wait instead of given you blanket advice that may not be best for your situation. With that, I'm here if you do decide to be 100 with me. If not, I do suggest that you seek God more than ever concerning this boyfriend - and find wise counsel elsewhere that you can be fully honest with about this situation. There's a child involved, so it's something worth being open about. I'll be praying for you sis!" - Me

Long story short, she replies a few days later about how she was hesitant to be forthcoming with me because she doesn't like being judged about her decisions. She later goes on to say that her man shows signs of the following: #verbalabuse, #controlling, #sexualimmorality, #hottempered, #alcoholism. She said that she knows that those are all red flags, and she doesn't like her son being around it, but her feelings are soo invested and she loves him and sees potential in him. All I could do was thank God that I followed my conviction and DIDN'T give blanket advice because this is not a blanket situation.

"The Sauce"

This happens way too often. We see the red flags, we hear the warnings from those that love us, but we completely negate all of those things because of this false depiction of love we're holding on to. For my sisters who may be in situations similar to the one stated above, HE IS NOT THE ONE, and if he is, he sure isn't THE ONE right now. We must accept the fact that the type of transformation that a man such as the one characterized above needs can only come from God. A relationship will not CHANGE him, it will only mask those traits for some time. True transformation comes from the Lord, and only he can cleanse us of impurities. Sisters, it is imperative that we grow to love ourselves and the generations that we are raising enough to remove ourselves/our children from situations like this. #Generationalcurses ARE REAL. The agents of socialization that we introduce children to will have an affect on how they view the world and how they communicate with people. I want to encourage you, remove yourself from relationships like this. The one God has for you will know how to love because 1) he loves God, and God is love 2) God doesn't send you someone who wants to control you. He's a jealous God, you are his daughter. 3) The word tells us the attributes of love: patient, kind, long-suffering, it does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud (1 Corinthians 13:4). If you have friends in these situations, PRAY FOR THEM. Don't be the judgmental friend that shuts the door on them. You may be the only outlet to wise Godly counsel your friend has, and you have a responsibility as a Christian, and as a friend to be the light. I am curious to know though.... what advice would you have for someone who may be invested in a relationship that breeds no good fruit? Comment below your advice, tips, testimonies, etc.